Just thinking

So maybe it’s ‘overthinking’ but I think a lot all the same. Think about the ‘what if’s’ and worry about the ‘should have’ or ‘could have’. That’s kind if the nature of OCD though right? The constant anxious worry that my thoughts or actions have some derogatory effect on those around me.
Believe me it IS exhausting, it is a burden because My OCD seems it to be real. I know it sounds narcissistically think that I have great power over events, fate or even destiny, but nothing could be further than the truth. I don’t want the burden of these things, real or not. I know it’s just my OCD playing on my mind. The problem is that things DO happen. I just have to accept that (whatever it was) did happen and remember that it wasn’t because I didn’t do a ritual properly.
If that makes sense.

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Gone blank

Hi, i haven’t posted in a few days as i have been getting used to ‘the norm’ of work and sleep again. Things just seem a lot more difficult when i am by myself, however, i dont actually have anyone to share my OCD with. Not that i’d actually be able to share any of it, but you know what i mean. It is the thought that this struggle IS mine and ONLY mine which is the scariest part. Like when you have a nightmare, there is never (in my case at least) anybody else living it with me in the dream. Even if familiar people are featured in the nightmare, they never seem to know the danger or fear that i am experiencing, though i guess thats what nightmares are all about though, the loneliness of personal fear.

Which brings me neatly back to OCD, the loneliness, the fear. But still a standing fight.

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Background

So, a little about my OCD, as it turns out I have had OCD at least since I was 9 years old. Rituals have plagued me for as long as I can remember, most go unnoticed of course, but some have leaked through into social situations. Even amongst family I could not cover up all my compulsions.
Cleanliness has never come into it, but ‘order’ has been rife throughout my life, as has intrusive thoughts.
The order part of my OCD has always been for one goal, safety. To make things safe and to prevent ‘bad things’ happening, and not just to family and friends, but even people I don’t like, even as far as people I don’t even know! Order has been having things in order in my mind, not necessarily having things neat and tidy, or symmetrical. Certain things, seemingly random, just had to be ‘just so’. I rearrange and move things about, I flick switches and turn taps, walk in and out of a room, walk a certain way or move a specific way, always until it ‘feels right’ then I am happy and relieved, comfortable that I have saved or prevented something awful.
The intrusive thoughts are tricky to talk about even to my therapist. Randomly popping into my head and can sometimes pop right out again once the damage (anxiety) is done. Even extending to nightmares, night terrors, and on occasion, hallucinations, when I am just too tired to see what’s what. All very scary stuff at the time but in a way if I share them I am almost desensitised to them.

But more on that another time.

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Doubtful

I’m not sure if anyone will ever even read this, but I still feel obliged to apologise for not writing anything that actually helps (assuming this is being read, also assuming this is being read by someone looking for guidance from me).
So this is me, saying sorry for not making sense, being interesting, giving answers, or saving someone in need of some common ground from OCD.

I just wish I could help, even assist someone else with their struggle with OCD, merely by being here, or being the light in the darkness. A new fear is that I probably never will.

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Day 2

So it’s 5 days into my week off and I am starting to get settled at my parents place. It is easier when someone is cooking for you and helping plan your day. Also, my rituals and anxiety do subside slightly because I am away from my daily routine. That said, it may just be that they are easier to ignore (or let slide) because I am more preoccupied with enjoying my time away, or that, being less stressed IS actually helping with my OCD. I guess we will find out when I get back home and back to work.
I’ll keep you posted either way.

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Here we go

So here is how I’m starting this, it’s cold and dark, am all alone (apart from you reading this) and it’s gone midnight. It is apparent that sleep is an enemy, and also an ally, of OCD. The more I ritualise my OCD, the less I sleep. The less I sleep, the worse the rituals get. This sucks. But it’s not all bad, I mean, I am safe and well. So I’m doing something right! Or is it just how things are……. And the compulsions ARE all in my head! One day I hope for an answer to this.

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